When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Your kinda stuck between a rock and his hard dick on this one..
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Just so we're clear. I'm still making jello shots and bringing them to the bar in my purse. I don't care if its half off margaritas. Don't want anyone thirsty
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
