WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
No more house parties. We're almost fucking 30 years old and I slept until 6 pm.
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Can I bother you for a second.
You always bother me but go on.
Randomize
