I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
So just what does one wear when attending a sex toy party with ones mother-in-law?
Jeans and a nice top.
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
Damn victory sex feels great
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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