I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
Need sex. Gaining weight.
Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
I am pretty sure we beat baby seals over the head in a past life. That is why we are being punished.
I woke up with my panties in the cat food dish, and everything covered in honey and bruises.
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
And I hope you're not misinterpreting us fucking as me trying to win you back. The sex is good and girls have needs.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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