Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?
My drug dealer is spending the weekend in my studio apartment. I feel like I've crossed a line that should never be crossed.
You know, he picked a really shitty time to stop sleeping with me to pay attention to his girlfriend.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us
Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.
I am currently listening to someone take a shit. I hate the hole in the ceiling.
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
My ex husband is now my side piece. #thisis30
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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