if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I may be the first guy in history to get dome while watching An Extremely Goofy Movie.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
my night ended in me puking all over jenna's bed, then me trying to wash the sheets in the toilet.
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
