Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
You were so stoked after landing that flip that you dropped acid with three random guys without hesitation
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm driving to work hungover. I feel like I got hit by a train and then drank that train too.
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