I just told my doc I would like to talk about my drinking problem, but that it would probably get in the way of my weekend plans.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.
I want her autograph on my taint
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
Randomize
