I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
Randomize
