My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
We are doing handstands and somersaults in the pool. With an inflatable beer pong table and our regular beer pong table. We're ponging by land and by sea
This taco party has no tacos, just a hot asian guy in booty shorts. We were lied to.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
