so i replaced his speed with my ped egg shaveings
dont u have athletes foot?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
I went from innocently day drinking to waking up handcuffed in jail. Fuck you game days
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
She just got on the scale. frowned, got off and took off her pants and then got back on
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Randomize
