So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them
Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
So my step mom just informed me she tells stories about me at work as a form of birth control for the girls that work there, not sure if i should be offended or proud.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
