I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I'm gonna guess ur still high cus last night at like 3am my pillows were morphing into cats and I kept trying to pet them
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
How many weight watcher activity points do you think sex is worth?
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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