FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
well its a long story but basically i overcame many cockblocks
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Be quiet or buzz aldrin will come beat you up with science
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
