I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
Ok now a guy in a winnie the pooh costume is grinding on some chick to the song shots
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Not good... He ate my chips. Thats not a sex analogy for anything. My actual potato chips... gone. I lost on both ends.
Young lesbians are the worst. And also what got me through high school, sooooo
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Randomize
