Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Sending a pic of labia to send to the TN Legislator. Obviously they don't think I know what to do with it so I'm gonna ask them for advice.
Apparently I was directing traffic outside of Keeneland. Apparently I'm not a police officer. Who knew....
Since moving to the suburbs, all I do is fuck my ex and watch cartoons. It's not so bad.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
I told him it was fine and then I keyed his car.
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Randomize
