Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Drank a fosters this weekend and last weekend. Listening to down under 5 times a day. Spent 100 dollars on a sleeveless men at work shirt circa 1983. We don't leave for another 5 weeks. I call it pregaming.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
I ordered more beers for everyone but had to finish them all. I promptly went outside and projectile vomited in the street. Three times.
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
I wore my old cheerleading uniform.. He came before I even touched his dick. Should I be irritated, or flattered?
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