If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Theres dried jager, barbecue sauce and frie remnants all over my front seat.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
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