I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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