i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
but the good news is i woke up with 15 dollars in my pocket so i probably sold my phone instead of puking on it
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
We took her out for fresh air and next thing we knew, she was stumbling around the backyard picking dead leaves up off the ground and putting them in her shirt to "save them".
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Betting for two different teams with two different guys is the best. Time to get $100 by one guy and laid by the other!
fuck off. It's 10am and I'm drink gin and ginger ale through a twizzler straw. My life is marvellous
I sent my boyfriend to the bar so I could go out tonight and actually get laid..
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize