Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Why do all fat girls have "that smell"?
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??
Yes. Yes it is.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Nothing like the judgmental looks you get in the bathroom when you still have last night's glowsticks on
sarahs drunk and is drawing dinosaurs all over the apartment. should i stop her?
whats she drawing them with?
eyeliner
no that's ok
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
Randomize
