I think I won the penis lottery.
I accidentally told him I've been cheating on him with his brother last night.
How did that happen by accident?
I was drunk and vomited all over him and thought, "maybe he will just stay with me out of pity if I tell him with stomach acid and alcohol all over his crotch." I was wrong.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm buying groceries with adderoll. I hope I'm never this broke again.
orgasmnado...tomorrow night
That's what I'm talking about
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize
