everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
It's impossible to flirt with the bank tellers because they see how broke I am.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.
I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Just heard a 15 minute program on the radio about how cases of gonorrhea in the throat and rectum are skyrocketing in the US. Almost crashed laughing so hard.
Sorry, who is this??
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
