I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
You going to have to be more specific than the night we blew an 8ball off the toilet..
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Randomize
