I cant wait to get the disapproving look from this elderly black lady...
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
I'm so bored I talked to the Bible guys for 30 minutes.
I offered them beer last time they came here bahaha
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
I was so high I could TASTE the fillings in my teeth
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
