No seriously, I have to sell the house because my wife found out I'm gay.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
took acid and went on safebus. all the lights were off except the adds. swear to god it was a submarine
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Just found a picture of a hobo making out with her tits...a HOBO
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Left my card at the bar and had a drunk girl climb on the hood of my running car to scream at me.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
We're snowed in with only two condoms. This will literally be valentines day russian roullette.
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
