So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
Do you remember snorting allspice and yelling at doughnut shop girl?
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.
Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.
DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
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