So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Apparently unused tampons can also double as things to bite down on during public sex to prevent screaming...
Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die
YOU TOLD ME THAT YOU CAUGHT A TAXI HOME. SARAH SAID THE POLICE DROPPED YOU OFF.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
One of your 'guests' left her bra in the kitchen.
Dude, does it look like any of the women I bring home wear bras?
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
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