Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
Woke up at 8am and asked if she had coffee.... She handed me a shot of tequila...
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