Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
every time I worry about a career mistake, I remember Michelle Pfeiffer did Grease 2.
i have to start hiding my credit card when i drink i woke up this morning with 4 emails from Farmville telling me i spent over $800 on coins last night
She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
Just used my boobs as a ramp to guide ramen into my mouth.
HOW DO I ALWAS FIND THEM?! THERE WAS BE A SOCIETY OF SMALL PENISED MEN AND I MUST BELONG TO IT!
I'm considering having a threesome with my friend just so I can sleep with his boyfriend and not feel guilty about it.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I feel like it went downhill once I decided we should take $100 tequila shots.. oops lol
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
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