you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
I just saw a fat chick walking across campus talking to herself and licking her lips. Diet season is scary.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
wait no I wore my bra home that morning. I stole someone's bra last night?
To the person who put the glitter on my ceiling fan...fuck you
I told him I felt we were at the point where if I saw him talking to another girl, I'd probably choke him out. So I guess you could say things are getting serious.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
