are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
If you're fucking that other dude, I'll take the sloppy seconds. I don't care.
Drinking down Plan B with a 5 hour energy. Winding down welcome week in style.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
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