I swear she didn't look like that last week.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
i wish we had vans that drove around at night but insteand of ice cream and jolly tunes its taco bell and the macarena
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
sarcasm needs its own font
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
He ripped down his Kate Upton poster while we were having sex last night. Im gonna take that as a good sign.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I broke my dick don't ask me how I need help putting in a catheter so I can piss.
Randomize
