You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I would not recommend douching while drunk.
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Randomize
