I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
I'm supposed to be at work in 10 min, I just woke up and am 45 min away...tinder for the win
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
so I just realized.. of my 70k student loan debt, most of it went toward bar tabs, eightballs, and sweet-ass ties to wear to gamedays and other people's weddings. I think about shit like this while I'm at my mid-level management position. you know. "working."
Look upon your future, America, and despair.
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
