did it hurt when the cum got in your eye
not so much hurt, more like a stinging sinsation like mouthwash
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I was unconscious Saturday for like 6 hours after I passed out on the sidewalks of our nation's capital. Thank you America, for bottomless brunch.
I just laughed so hard that my back cracked so hard that I thought I was cumming. Magic
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
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