I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Don’t drink the Bloody Mary - it’s vodka and salsa.
Randomize