saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
how do flat chested girls get laid?
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
