apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
It was kind of like a train wreck, except alcohol would have improved the situation greatly.
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
The pool of urine in the trash can signifies both a regretful yet successful night.
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
