Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
