Moan for me like Helen Keller
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Just invented taco cereal.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
At first i thought she was a sexily dressed toddler. but not in a pedophile way, in a really on drugs way
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Friends don't let friends go vibrator shopping alone.
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
She gave me a roadie as we drove home from fireworks. People were still lighting off their displays as we drove by. I love America.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
