it was beautiful and magic like when a hot girl grabs her own tits and smiles at you
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
Can you bring me the toilet please
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
You yelled "Everybody!!! Round of applause to Jill for not doing anal!!" Right in front of him.
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Randomize
