You feel like going out tonight?
Does a 14yr-old girl look good beat up? I'll bring the handle
why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
I wish life was like dora the explorer where dancing pigs appear out of nowhere to solve your problems for you
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Your favorite bartender is back from prision
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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