I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
I need to stop treating my body like that of a Vegas hooker on vacation in Ibiza
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
A man that refers to my vagina in third person is a man after my own heart.
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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