i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
Oh my God. He stopped counting at 22.. His senior year. I feel the STDs infecting my taint as we speak.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.
...that shit cray.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Randomize
