I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden
i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
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