i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning
her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
For gods sake, I only took one. With two nyquils. What a happy world its been today. Fulfill your obligations and then its marvelouso.
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
This might be the worst thing you've ever done.
Really? I feel like I've done worse. Guess I gotta step my game up.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
