I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I mean I'm screaming I love the gays in the middle of Bart so yeah
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We will just distract him with tacos and porn.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
Randomize
