First, he can't make me cum.. And now, he can't get it up because he LOVES me?!!??! i don't think so.
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
I fucking love my neighbors. I offered him chocolate and somehow it turned into a sexual proposition.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
