Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I will probably be peed on at some point today.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
