i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Definitely just said "no homo" to our gay waiter at Cheesecake Factory...our service has steadily declined since.
You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at
Discovered that a nalgene holds an entire bottle of wine. Going mobile. Come find me.
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She's crying about either her ex boyfriend, her one night stand, or her own puke. None of those is worth the tears.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
Randomize
