he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Randomize
