Like all of my pajamas are shirts of guys I shacked with in college
Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
It's almost like he dry humped the last remaining bit of good person out of me.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I just masterbated to the home shopping channel...what have I become...
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Randomize
