so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Nothing like banging your nurse in the shower while staying in the hospital
because. if I can't sit outside naked and eat my watermelon every morning then I really don't see the point in moving in with you.
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
returning from a 6am booty call in 2 feet of snow on a Tuesday is a bold new kind of low for me
Dude why can't I remember anything after walking in from my first beer bong?
It was immediately followed by your second, third, fourth and fifth
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
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