Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
I CAN SEE SO MANY PENISES. There are so many visible penises here.
Where are you???
Yoga class :(
Randomize
