i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
barbara walters just said penis...
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
i'm drinking margaritas from a pouch...really dont think i'm in the position to judge anyone...
I just hope I don't wheeze during sex
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
Anyone who does not know who Paul McCartney is does NOT get to put hands in my pants
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