The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
well his nickname is liver of steel so it makes sense that his balls follow suit. tell him i say sorry
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
I think we need a list of things that are automatic NO's for dating a guy. Married, definitely a no now
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I can now say I know getting hit in the face with a flying tortilla is not fun
Fun FACT Saturday: Semen is great for my acid reflux
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