U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
the girl I was having sex with just mumbled victory for msu during sex. i love basketball season
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
I just need a fucking pair of pants. Is that too much to ask for?
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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