he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
make any headway on the foot/dick situation?
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
Sometimes I just want to serenade his penis with cheesy 80s songs.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
Randomize
