Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
There aren't enough words in the English language to fully describe how worried I am for your dick. And the rest of you, I suppose.
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
